Allen

On the "trend" of posting old works, here's something I wrote in response to a good friend in high-school writing a story in which he saves America with the powers of martial arts and Jazz. The story, if I recall correctly, was entitled: "Saving America with the Powers of Martial Arts and Jazz". Here's to you, Allen.


The goat exploded, as goats are wont to do. No one knew why, or how, or if the preceding sentence made sense, only that it was somehow necessary for the plot.

People came from all around the world: quantum meta-physicists, extral-nihilistic zoologists, trans-dimensional event analyzers, shepherds... but none of them could explain the sudden demise of the formerly existing goat: Allen.

Some said it was a rare, but documented, case of spontaneous combustion, others thought aliens had come to Earth for a spot of Allen-hunting, but I believe it was simply the case of Allen's out of control amount of awesomeness bleeding through.

You see, Allen was not just a goat. He was actually a HYPER TRANS MULTI DIMENSIONAL ANCIENT WARRIOR BEING FROM OUTER SPACE. Trained in the ancient arts of Karate, Kung Fu, and Chuck Norris since his birth, and being the final hope of the Universe itself, Allen lived a strenuous life. At the age of three, he achieved a black belt in everything, and began to train himself in the lost art of Jazz. Every day for two billion days, Allen trained in Saxophone and martial arts, finally testing himself by shooting negatively-charged electrons out of his saxophone, thus saving America.

Then, Allen turned three.

A great, ancient evil rose up from God-knows-where, which is just beyond Jupiter, threatening to destroy the peace filling the Universe. Fortunately, Allen was there to stop it.

Allen confronted this evil, armed only with his saxophone, and became fought in the hugest, epic-est battle ever. He wielded the powers of the very sun and stars with his mind, and forged anew his saxophone, building this one from the heart of dying stars. With this, he fought the evil---never resting.

Millennia later, the fight reached its apex, and it was revealed that the evil was actually a GIANT DRAGON!!! Fortunately, Allen was then revealed to be the ancient DRAGON SLAYER YURUSHIKU and with his saxophone---which was now a mighty dragon-slaying sword---he fought once more against the evil.

Their combined powers proved to much for this universe, so it exploded to give them fighting room. Millions of universes were created and destroyed while they fought, until Allen finally vanquished the evil on his third birthday.

He then created a new universe, and transformed himself into a goat, eager to spend the rest of his days in peace.

Which, of course, explains why I remember that goat.


EDIT: this is even more absurd than I remember it being. That said, it was my best attempt at matching Allen's writing style. Never change, Allen.